Discussing sex and sexual problems with teenagers can be a intimidating task, especially for parents. longislandescortsnow.com The way media venues depict sex and sexuality has shaped societal perceptions and created an openness that was much more muted when I was a woman. When my daughter was getting ready to enter middle school I felt we had a need to have a discussion on the ramifications and risks connected with sex. My daughter had already told me in regards to a fourteen year old girl she knew was pregnant and that a thirteen year old peer who had already had an STD twice. This last little bit of information had been garnered in the sex education curriculum the school district used within ‘health’ in the sixth grade for children whose parents gave permission because of their child to attend the class.
Opening and sustaining a shared dialog between teens and a parent is paramount as, developmentally and emotionally, most teens are somewhere within adolescence and adulthood no matter what their chronological age. Serious discussions, especially concerning peers or social-emotional issues should be approached carefully. The key is to not alienate teenagers by minimizing the worthiness of these knowledge or experience, to be casual rather than demanding, not to lecture, also to include them in the discussion. Parents need to listen as well as talk no matter what the main topics a discussion is they are having with their sons and daughters.
To make sure I was well informed and able to take on this task I did research on the net and at the neighborhood public library. I garnered information from the local chapter of Planned Parenthood and the County Health Department. I acquired statistics on teen pregnancy, single parents, along with other data from the Kansas Kids Count book. All states collect statistical data by city, county, township, and offer that data through some type of written source. At that time I felt ready to sit down and attempt to speak to my daughter, hoping she wouldn’t be too embarrassed to talk to her ‘mother’.
I waited until my son, who was ten at the time, was on a camping trip along with his Boy Scout troop. My hubby worked second shift and was at work. I was watching a movie with my daughter on television and I casually introduced the subject of boys, asking if she had a boyfriend. I was well aware that parents tend to be the last to know whenever a child has her first boyfriend. Although my daughter didn’t have a boyfriend yet, she added that she didn’t want a boyfriend because guys expected the lady to give up all her friends, didn’t want them to have other regular friends who have been boys, and just wanted sex, whether that has been oral sex or physical copulation. She had learned this from the close girlfriend who was dealing with her first boyfriend and who had confided in my own daughter, needing someone to speak to.
This was the opening I had been waiting for. First I told my daughter that I wasn’t trying to insinuate she had engaged in heavy petting or sex, and I wasn’t attempting to lecture, that I simply wanted to make sure she had the various tools and knowledge needed if she were ever attracted to a man physically or emotionally. I told her to jump in and correct me if she felt I were wrong or misguided about anything, to i want to know easily was making her feel uncomfortable, also to share any information that she may have since my intent had not been to lecture or coerce.
I talked about the lengths many boys would go to get physical including telling the lady he loved her and could not cheat on her and when she loved him she would engage in a sexual act with him, or threatening to break up with the girl if she would not surrender to his sexual advances. My daughter added a peer had also suffered through the knowledge of having a man tell his friends and male peers at school they had “oral sex”, an act which hadn’t even taken place.
This in turn resulted in a discussion on how a woman might respond to an identical situation. I gave my sympathy for what another girl was going through by stating that this lie needed to be very painful for the girl. I also explained that many guys, during their teen years often liked to brag about their conquests whether real or implied, so as to convince peers of their sexual prowess. We discussed some options my daughter’s friend might take, which included ignoring the guy and some of his friends who might make advances or snide remarks, to inform the guy that she feels sorry that he has to lie as a way to feel important, or simply tell him she is not even likely to dignify his lie with a reply.
My daughter responded that if it just happened to her she’d tell the guy loudly and in front of his friends, “maybe in your dreams” with heavy sarcasm. This is among teenage bravado, a thing that could hold my daughter and other teens in good stead. I agreed that creating embarrassment for a man might work. With a mutual and open dialog from the very beginning, I was able to interject a plethora of information. My daughter added little tidbits and asked some very intelligent questions.
At one point I stressed to my daughter that I hoped she would wait until marriage and that I was not condoning sexual activity outside of marriage. I added that I was aware that I’d haven’t any control over any decision she would eventually make regarding any sexual activity or when she thought we would become sexually active and that my main goal was to get ready her for that eventuality. We discussed different sexually transmitted diseases and their symptoms, although the kids locally had received some of that information during intercourse education.
My daughter brought up the subject of peers who took alternate precautions to avoid an unwanted pregnancy because the male did not desire to wear a prophylactic. I was then in a position to let her know that the sexual ‘myths’ that lots of uninformed teens believe certainly are a complete fallacy. Those myths included using the rhythm method would dramatically decrease the odds of an unwanted pregnancy, as would having the young man grab of the girl’s body before ejaculating, and finding out when the fertile section of the girl’s cycle using body’s temperature, etc. to make certain they did not take part in sex during that time period.
I was asked about oral sex and when the act was sex, per se? My response was that yes, this is a sexual act that served to protect the guy from having a woman get pregnant, but that it is degrading to the girl and disrespectful. The lady could still get STDs like herpes and Chlamydia and AIDS, as could the guy, depending on how promiscuous both parties have been in the past. It was through the discussion on oral sex that I learned that quite a large number of my daughter’s peers were engaging in that sexual act as a method to “pleasure their boyfriends and not get pregnant.”
I talked to my daughter, and later, my son, concerning the different kinds of love including infatuation, hormonal, lust, love for someone of the contrary sex that was non-sexual, and the deep emotional love that comes with the maturity of adulthood. I explained a relationship, at any age, can rarely be sustained for just about any length of time if it’s built primarily on sex, that was also one major reason many relationships end up in divorce court or separation and abandonment if the couple is not married.
Last, I asked my daughter to consider weighing any future decisions she might consider regarding sex meticulously, considering all the benefits and drawbacks. To use protection as a way of avoiding STDs also to combine the usage of a prophylactic with a foam or other contraceptive as a prophylactic can be, or become damaged. I also informed her I knew she’d never arrived at me with the information that she was going to engage in sex but that I’d let her then twenty-six year old half sister understand that she had my permission to help her get birth control pills at that time. I did so include the information that abstinence may be the only guarantee she wouldn’t get an STD or have a baby.